AUTOBIOGRAPHY PART : VI

However, I knew intuitively that first I needed to find a "Middle Way", a personal method of practice that would show me how to merge the two extreme poles of ego and soul energies within my being. Synthesizing and uniting them into something "new", so that the ego transforms itself into a pure and emptied vehicle for the Soul to pour in Its Essence. However, what I discovered, later, was that by being "emptied of its past patterns, the ego transmuted itself into a vehicle of pure Awareness and Consciousness. Yes! My ego was just starting to become a medium for the Soul. This, was how I discovered the "Middle Way", which meant that the light of consciousness was no longer trapped in a cloudy and opaque vehicle, but it had started to shine through a cleansed and clearer vehicle. And progressively, within this purified "vacuum" of the ego, a Presence began to emerge. But this is another story… At first, this silent Presence used to appear to me while meditating or contemplating on one or both of these extreme energies. However, soon, I realized that facing my own pain and accepting what I was seeing within myself helped me release a higher aspect of Being.

This was so, because reliving every painful experience in my life was a kind of sweet "fuel" that enlightened the "new" center within me and this inner operation revitalized my consciousness. It seemed as if a part of myself had separated from the ego and another part was becoming the observer of my own pain. At first, this Presence within was a faint and silent Witness listening and accepting whatever was emerging from the depth of my being. Moreover, it used to appear first, during sleep, emerging as a kind of "double", to offer me comfort. It did not manifest as often as I would have wished, but this Inner Presence was there often explaining certain things or showing me methods of working at my process. During these three years, I received sublime inner initiations that helped and gave me hope for the future. As an example, I saw John (Raymond Bernard) giving me an initiation… accompanying me into an invisible brotherhood… being a silent witness while I had to answer questions…

But the "I" in these psychic and vivid experiences was of a different kind. I was just Consciousness…and the experiences were empowering and impersonal forces that were awakening within consciousness. During these experiences I became more alert and focused then in my ordinary level of consciousness. In other words, in my inner life I was living on two different levels. On the one hand, I was purifying and taking off the different protective masks of my "subpersonalities" which were my ego's defensive traits. And on the other hand, I was being trained from within my psyche for something that I did not know or understand anything about yet… At the time, I thought that this was a ploy coming from within to help me overcome the difficulties of my training in London and I remember ceasing to be a Rosicrucian during my second year in training. It took me 22 years to say enough, I need to explore spirituality in a different manner, I trusted the inner guidance that I was receiving, which was unfolding in a completely new way, it was an amazing new discovery! Moreover, I had no intention to belong to any other Mystery School or Organization. I thought that after ending my Psychosynthesis training, I would come back to Cyprus and help people who wanted to develop and unfold their own spiritual path. I wanted only to help and encourage them to purify and transform their inner blockages, so as to allow the unfoldment of their creativity. That was my goal and I was very happy and content with this decision. But my night experiences continued to make an ever stronger impact… They were showing me something different that did not make sense…it was a new way of receiving inner knowledge, which I am not allowed to discuss. Sometimes from within my dreams, I became aware that from the deepest part of a dark cosmos a beam of light descended from a sun… I could see it. This light was illuminating my head and penetrating my skull… and this was as if rays of this light beamed through my eyes…it was strange to say the least and wherever my eyes turned and focused, the beam of light illuminated it and followed me everywhere. This went on for a while even after waking up in the morning. This light seemed to follow and illuminate my head, face and entire body. What was that? I was not even sure if this light was following me. Or, if on the contrary, I was following it? Had John anything to do with it, I used to ask myself? And the logical answer used to be "of course not, I don't even know where he is! How can he follow my process when he does not know if I am still living in London!" I had seen John only once just a few months after starting my psychosynthesis training. It was around November 1984, six months after our first encounter in Athens. This short meeting was a pure "coincidence". I'll explain.