HERMETIC  - ESOTERIC - MYSTICAL PHILOSOPHIES

AUTOBIOGRAPHY - PART : V 

1984-1988

My first contact with the groups was quiet negative, I did not understand half of what they were talking about... and I was horrified to see how much stress there was in the groups... What was all this about! Get in touch with my pain? What did this mean? I had no pain since I could not feel anything!... I was a good meditator and a creative person, why go back into my childhood and look for pain! Why dig into my subconscious? At first everything looked and sounded ridiculous and even sometimes hilarious... I had to go out of the group a few times, because I could not stop laughing and giggling... I had always been in touch and guided from childhood by my Soul through dreams and astral projections, my Rosicrucian background had reinforced that communion, so why bother about pain... I had overcome all this stuff through mystical and spiritual discipline.. These were my protective inner arguments and excuses. I did not need to be humiliated in front of others... Indeed, this course was a great shock to my ego. I was after all a representative of a well known mystical organization, how could I embarrass myself in this manner. All these defensive arguments rushed to my head and it was one of the most difficult and stressful two weeks in my life. I did not know yet how to open up my to my hidden "wounds" and expose them to myself... because in them is contained the mystery of Life and of our Humanity. I was still afraid of the world, and especially of being with people...I had been living in my "Ivory Tower". for so long and was afraid to "jump" from the Tower just like the young man from the Tarot card number 16 called The Tower..

Again I ask myself the same question, how am I going to continue this autobiography? how will I reveal what happened next in my spiritual life? Here is a reminder of what I had already said in part 3. I lived alone in London for 3 years, leaving my family in Cyprus. From 1984 to 1987, I stayed there to be trained as a Psychosynthesis counselor. When I returned to Cyprus I had to fly back to London every couple of months for the next six months to finish my training. I often visited Paris as well. Why Paris? Because my husband's business used to take him frequently there, another reason was that I also had very good friends. Hence, it was very convenient and a good change for me to meet him in Paris instead of London. The contrast of lifestyle between the one I was living in Paris during my short visits and the one that I had to endure during my training in London was tremendous to say the least. Pure luxury and sophistication in Paris, versus difficult and painful processes unfolding in London. However, I was very lucky to be left completely alone in London, no family around to disturb my "inner work" and plenty of time to search, analyze, discover and experience what was gradually emerging from the deepest recesses of my subconscious. These were indeed difficult times for me, due to the fact that I intuitively knew that I had to reconcile two opposite energies that were co-existing within myself. One part was trying to empower my ego and the other one was questioning the wisdom of such an attempt. What was happening during this process? Was I really trying to empower the ego or the Soul? I was receiving intuitive feedbacks through dreams, which were telling me that everything was not yet in harmony. I had to keep on working at my process incorporating and synthesizing the spiritual impulses and intuitions that I was receiving through my psychosynthesis training. Moreover, I knew that a psychological approach needed to be rooted in my spiritual inner Quest. I needed to ground these two different approaches, and find a way to blend and harmonize them. This was a much better way to heal and unblock the trapped subconscious energies. Thus, I found that my training in Psychosynthesis was definitely helping me to look at myself from a new perspective…This "new way" was emerging through my process as a silent Witness from within the center of consciousness… I was becoming a silent observer of myself… and through this incredible transformation, a subtle ethereal bridge was starting to link the two opposite energies within me, uplifting my consciousness to new heights. In retrospect, this "inner" bridge was the link that grounded me…

  Like Jacob's Ladder it was a channel opening new doors within myself. However, I had noticed that bridging and harmonizing the two extreme energies within me made me become aware of some subtle qualities that were starting to emerge from my psyche. For example, I noticed that when I was the observer of my own psychological process, something different was operating within me. My conscious self accepted whatever was surfacing from within, without fear… there was a kind of compassion and understanding, a peaceful feeling towards my own ego and from the depth of my psyche something was telling me that everything was going to be okay…

When negative things surfaced in my consciousness during meditation, or during "inner work" or, even dream time, there was no more embarrassment, on the contrary, I used to feel more centered, because another part within me was taking over in a loving and nurturing way. Intuitive thoughts and feelings were emerging within my inner Silent place. I discovered that both processes, the psychological and spiritual ones were important and even crucial for the well being of the psyche. However, they had to operate in unison and harmonize within my conscious self. This is how I kept myself "grounded". During my whole training, I was trying to keep a balance between the psychological aspect of empowering myself with the unfoldment of a higher aspect of intuition and inner guidance. However, what I gradually discovered during my third year of training is that once the blocking energies are released, they empower the Higher Self or Soul and not the ego. My first year was the hardest as I had not yet managed to harmonize the two opposite powers within me. I was projecting my fears and failures towards everyone specially my family, who fortunately were not around. My ego was crying out - I tried to empower it like the rest of the group… but something else was stopping me… I knew that this was just a "play" something else had to happen… Again, I will use Jacob's Ladder, to describe the help that I was receiving through dreams. I used to have vivid and powerful experiences, which were awakening an inner process within my dreams. These actually were initiations, doors within doors opening and unfolding new levels of consciousness. At first, it was a mixture of levels of consciousness coming from past incarnations, which needed to be purified… There were other levels appearing too, these were more uplifting and blissful. Moreover, the quickening and awakening levels of consciousness were perceived as "seeds" that needed to be purified and protected from the outside invading paradoxes that psychology was offering me. And, while maturing in the silent darkness of my subconscious, these "seeds" were appearing and making strong impacts on my dream experiences. So, without understanding how this inner process worked, I was nonetheless starting to empty and purify an inner space within me in which these experiences were delicately transformed as " new seeds". I realized through intuition and inner guidance that I had to transform the psychological aspect of the ego into a pure emptied vehicle to be "used" by the Soul. So, everything that was hidden in the subconscious had first to surface gradually to the level of consciousness. This was just the beginning of a process that went on for another 10 years (my purification process started well before my training, it began in 1968).