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AUTOBIOGRAPHY - PART : IV 1984-1988 Athens & Initiation - Reminiscence - London
After my return from Athens, it took me a long while to settle down and be my usual self again. The euphoric and exciting feeling of wonder and amazement at what had happened to me could not simply vanish and evaporate into thin air. The feeling of elation had become part of my consciousness and it remained within me as though a living Presence had set my heart ablaze. Moreover, I could not yet grasp or imagine how much this hallowed Presence glowing within me as a sacred flame would protect me during my three and a half difficult and painful years in London...Many years later, this same inner Presence became more evident and clear. Suffice it to say, for the time being, that I will have to go back to the time of my return to Nicosia from Athens. However before describing this, I should put you in the picture and tell you about my mental state before going to Greece and give you some description of my mystical background. Having become a Rosicrucian member in 1968, four years later I had already created and organized a Rosicrucian Chapter here in Nicosia. During all these years, from 1972 to 1984, I had to do everything for the members of the chapter, from being their master, lecturer, mother, confident, artist/painter, to cleaner of the premises and cook for the group. I had to travel all over the world as their Cypriot representative which was fun and interesting because it gave me the opportunity to meet many interesting people and take a closer look at human nature. Titles and seniority in years of studies did not really impress me, but human frailties and egotistic behavior amongst members were projected and exemplified in front of me. At the time, I was a naive idealist wanting to see perfection in others, especially in those who were calling themselves "mystics". Hence, it was a very hard thing for me to accept what I was witnessing during these kind of gatherings. I still was not wise enough to understand that human nature can change only when the Soul and ego accept to work and commune together aiming to reach and manifest their spiritual ideal in this life. However, what I understood later was that if one focuses on one's ideal all the time, never giving up hope, then, this is a sign that the ego is ready to surrender and open up to the guidance of the Soul allowing the alchemical process of purification and transformation to reveal and accept the frailties, distortions and misconceptions of human nature. However, I was not ready to surrender myself to that tremendous power, since there was still fear in me... So I went on being disappointed and never giving up hope, I continued... Thus, it gradually dawned on me that mystical organizations are run and directed by ordinary human beings just like me. No one is perfect. therefore, I kept my disappointments to myself.
So when, in April 1984 John appeared suddenly in my
life, he was about to present me with a life opportunity, a new lease of life and even
much more since he was actually going to become the catalyst and the TRIGGER that reversed
the process and turned my life upside-down. This created a tremendous "rupture"
in myself thereby awakening and freeing me from the vicious trap in which I had been
engulfed. However, it is only now, with hindsight that I understand the impact of what
John had said in the humble "taverna" at the foot of the rock of the Acropolis.
The energy and mystery of the "Living Spirit in
his words" The encounter that I had with John had left a strong and indelible imprint in my psyche and as a consequence of this encounter it had activated within my heart an invisible Presence. A subtle and intangible Witness had just been awakened... and even to this day, John's words still echo back to me and fill me with gratitude and joy. What I had realized then, was that after so many years of searching and coming to accept that the real "role model" and Master cannot be found outside of oneself, since we carry within us an archetypal model, I had instead and out of the blue come across a real "invisible" Master in the physical world. There was no doubt in my mind, I could have recognized him wherever and whenever... there was no question about it, since he had appeared first in my "inner life" and had initiated me and awakened me from within the mystical and spiritual astral planes. But here he was now, appearing in front of me in the flesh ... He was the exact antithesis and opposite model of those that I had encountered amongst important and influential personalities in the mystical and spiritual circles of Europe and the USA. When I met him for the first time in Greece, everyone around John found him to have a charismatic character and people were attracted to him because of his magnetic and humorous personality. His humanity and humility reflect the power and concentration of his unconditional pure Love and his brilliant intuition coupled with his intellectual capacity trigger an incredible new world in those who can "hear" and understand the "language of birds".... in a few words, I immediately sensed the "contact" between Master and disciple and this was confirmed to me by John in a subtle way , when driving back in a taxi from the Plaka he declared, what in my heart I had become suddenly aware of , that "the Master appears only when the disciple is ready " and I was now ready...
Once again, I have to go back to my return to Nicosia from
Athens. No doubt you can better understand how important the experience that I had
undergone in Athens on Sunday 29 April 1984 was for me. It had helped me replenish my
depleted energy and gave me back an incredible burst of enthusiasm, especially after
becoming conscious of this living sweet Presence within my heart. Moreover, later on, when
I had to live in London, for more than three years, this presence within my being saved me
from drowning.
So, once back in my flat in London, I rang my husband in Cyprus and told him about my decision... I wanted to stay and become a psychosynthesis councilor... There was no other way, I would come and visit him during my holidays, and he could do the same. My son was a grown up young man, so I felt free to undergo this training and remain for the following three and a half years in London. Sometimes, when I reflect back on those years, remembering everything that I had to pass through and experience during the training, I am amazed at my courage and the determination that I had to go through with it... because it was a very hard and suffocating atmosphere, and yet, I remember, that while I was undergoing the training, I knew that I had to overcome my own weaknesses and hidden complexes... Yes, these were painful experiences emerging from the depth of my subconscious but they were promising a release from my protective illusions and fears and announcing a freedom from my own limitations and judgments. I wanted to crack and burst out from the protective shell of my cocoon. Hence, I knew that I had to take the mask off and come clean like cutting the umbilical cord with my past, yes I had to come alive again and rekindle the days of my childhood, when everything seemed to be natural and beautiful... During the three and a half years spent in psychosynthesis training, a certain level of psychic healing and bonding was created between members and this was quite empowering. Fears and stresses were more apparent then usual amongst members of the groups but we had to learn to let ourselves become transparent... taking off the protecting layers and masks of our "subpersonalities". Becoming transparent was an easy word... but could we really face our own vulnerability and emptiness in the mirror of truth? What was truth for me? A whole world was collapsing around and in me... I knew that the process that John had started to awaken in me in Athens was now entering a new phase... My faith in him and in what was going on for me in a mystical sense had not changed at all. My determination in pursing my ideals were unequivocal and my faith in the whole process total. But I had to pass through very stressful and difficult times as it was time for me to look at my own wounds so that I could open and let the wounds of others in...
But my dreams were still unfulfilled! I would not like to go into the details of my psychosynthesis training simply because it would be out of context here, but let me just say, that it is an intense training and very effective provided that one stays focused and grounded on one's spiritual ideals. Let me just say that I had to learn to get in touch with my childhood pains, my secret fears and the ways I was often put down and taken for granted by my parents and teachers... this rediscovery had opened a great chasm in my being, I could not stop now, there was no question about ending this process now...My eyes and my consciousness had suddenly awakened and I was facing myself in the mirror of my own subconscious as if for the first time. In Athens John had invisibly cut "the umbilical cord" that linked me to my Rosicrucian background and now, suddenly I was facing life as it really was with its good and bad parts. These were projections coming from my subconscious and I had to redress the situation and learn to live in a completely new way. I had to learn to open my heart and "unlock the doors and discover the protective "masks" that were harboring my fears and vulnerability. I was diving, plunging head down first into the intricate process and impulses coming from my psyche... Was there something to rescue in it? and was there a lot to let go and abandon? Had I wasted 16 years studying esoteric and spiritual studies? No! not at all...I knew that, I felt one of the lucky ones, because my mystical experiences during my childhood and my Rosicrucian training had opened these experiences even further, but I was still "out" of this world, this training in psychosynthesis was about my "coming back into the world" it was for me like the baptismal font announcing my rebirth.... I should add that I had to keep my own mystical background and personal experiences to myself... I could not be too transparent about them because they were out of context and not approved by the training staff... So, there was no way that a psychological atmosphere like the one in which I found myself could change or alter anything about my own way of perceiving my own goals and ideals. I had been ridiculed and mocked as well sometimes during my three and a half years, but even if it did hurt, it never changed me.
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